So I need to come clean, around the day 60 mark of being pull free (it should be day 85 now.)  I went through a stage of being overwhelmed with worry on a daily basis, to the point one day I was consumed by this worry and without even knowing it, sub-consciously I reached for my head and pulled out hair. I maybe pulled 10 hairs that night, the following day this occurred again the amount increased to maybe 50-100 hairs by the time I came to realise this I was in bed surround by clumps of fresh new short strands of thick glossy black hair and plagued with guilt.
This of course made me more stressed and since then sub consciously I've been pulling and I don't even know it. It's like my mind has been over ridden by this urge and found a way to fight back when my hair gets to a certain length.

I'm increasingly finding more white hairs, I am getting old but thats not it, I've pulled so much over the last 17 years, it's come to the point I've damaged the follicles and the hairs are now growing back grey. It started with just a couple, but the past day I found 6 grey hairs in one pulling session!!!!!!!!!!!! These were from new spots, I already know of a couple of spots other greys grew. What makes it worse is those white hairs are the holy grail of hairs to pull out, the amount of satisfaction removing them fills me with so much elation. Yes it sounds crazy and thats because it is. Pulling out hair enjoying the pleasure of it and yet despising yourself is crazy!!! Yet here I am 17 years later still doing it and with no signs of me actually stopping!!! It's a fucking paradox, I cant fix. No one can.
I literally can't tell you which day's I have pulled and haven't because it's all a blur, even I don't even know. I am not sure if I have had a pull free day since then.

I've just had this thought, life is on the upwards turn and yet I am stilling ripping out quite a lot of hair. I'm slowly going back to day 1 before shaving my head,  its not as scarce and the areas circumference is not as big as previously,  but its nothing to be happy about either it is still pretty bad how much damage I have done to myself,  it will get worse if I don't take action now.

I've just run to the bathroom and rubbed tons of oil on my head in hope this can save my scalp and help the new growth catch up and maybe even prevent me from touching those precious new strands.

Which got me thinking what am I doing to prevent this? So here I am charging up my Pavlok and reverting back to electrocuting myself to sanity again. Who says 21 days can create good habits? Because I went way past that and yet I am back here again, guilty of my own self-disfigurement and all I can think is, that bitch YouTuber is right, we will never be cured, we will forever live with this, we just have to find a way to handle it much better and to accept it. Should I accept it? I don't know. I have no answers, just many of my own questions.

So here I am hitting the reset button, I don't really want to shave again, I feel like I could make this work If I can integrate this Pavlok in too. It's worth a shot, if all else fails then its no longer hitting a reset button but a whole factory reboot and starting from baldness again. *sigh* I just want to be pretty.

So last month, the second movie of the 50 shades trilogy was released. I didn't go to the theatre to watch it because unlike the majority I can see what this story and movie for what it really is. Abuse and manipulation.

There is absolutely nothing sexy or romantic about the story. Unless you think rape, manipulation and dating a control freak is attractive and morally OK.

The reason why women find this character attractive is because he is rich, handsome, and charming, until he uncovers his secret desires and by that point it is too late because you've fallen in love with Mr. Grey. This occurs often in real life as I am about to explain.

It took me a while to realise my relationship was built on manipulation and abuse because I was young and emotionally vulnerable at the time. I read the books and watched the first movie I was probably in my 4th year into my relationship at this time. So this stuff came out whilst I was deep into this relationship, thinking I can relate to the character, I thought because it was popular and so many women wanted to be the protagonist in the book, what I experienced was normal and something I should be happy with. I even went as far to defend the movie against the feminists who said it was abuse filled, I wish I had listened to them because they were so right. This shows just how deluded I was in that relationship, I believed I should be treated this way.

Now lets make this clear I am not knocking anyone's sexual fantasies, if you enjoy BDSM, you don't harm anyone, you both consent and are safe then that's your business. But there's the right way to carry out this type of behaviour and the wrong way.

I didn't know this then but what I was experiencing wasn't harmless fantasies it was real life abuse. If you know anything about BDSM there should always be a safe word, so at anytime the activity can stop when it gets too intense. Mr. Grey didn't have one and nor did the man I was involved in.

Its kind of hard to tell when this began because we of course grew together sexually, we were each others first we were young finding ourselves and what we liked, it started innocently, some handcuffs, light spanking etc. however as our relationship progressed became more toxic with our arguments and inability for me to trust him, things also grew worse.

It grew worse but I never noticed then, he would be extremely jealous and have physical fights with men, but he would freely tell what he would explicitly tell me what he would do to other women he saw when we were out,  I mean there was a point when I realised this feels wrong I am not comfortable with this its going  into actual pain and mistreatment in the sense he was forceful and controlling, which later started to occur outside the bedroom also.

If you recall in the books Mr.Grey would control what Ana used to eat. If she wasn't hungry he would insist to the point she would have to eat, it was forceful. Well that would happen with me except he would do the opposite he would guilt trip me into eating less, take food from my plate and told me to lose more weight, he wanted my body to look like a porn stars (his exact words), (at that point I had lost a substantial amount of weight) I was a healthy weight, but guess what because he told me I was not good enough I believed it and did everything I could to make him be pleased with me and to make him feel attracted to me, but to him I was still fat and my body wasn't too his liking.

This wasn't limited to food and exercise, in the bedroom he would address me as a slut (a term i despise with every cell in my body) he would make me sleep at the foot of the bed "like a dog" as he would say, and i would have to stay there the whole night.

He would even force sex upon me even when I didn't want it, he wouldn't stop even if I wasn't interested and expressed it (something Mr. Grey and him also have in common.) If he did, he would guilt trip me again until I gave in despite still not wanting to.

It took me a long time to realise what he was doing was rape. When people think of rape they think of strangers or a random person doing these actions with physical brutal force. That's not true, I was physically forced at times but I was also emotionally manipulated into believing I should give him sex if I want him to love me. I found out years later un-consented sex even with a partner is considered rape.

The physical pain was more tolerable than the emotional manipulation honestly, he would force objects in me (i wont give too much details but i'm sure you can guess what places), clip things on me in intimate places that was painful. He ignored my dislike towards these things, he would say "just keep it on a bit longer." I guess he got off it because they were physically hurting me. For me, my desire to have sex dwindled. I dreaded sex and realised this man was a worthless piece of shit not worthy of my love.

After countless times of leaving him then begging him to take me back, a day before our 6 year anniversary I left him for good. The fact he cheated on me 2 more times made it much easier. So in that respect I am grateful, if he hadn't I think I would still be in and out of that relationship, no doubt stuck in my miserable London life, broke and depressed.

Two years after that I was pretty much abstinent, my sex drive had crawled into a dark space and died.

For these reasons and experience alone, I will never agree with the books or movies, it glamorises abusive and manipulative relationships. Its not normal to experience these things, if you feel uncomfortable with your situation voice it if you can, I was lucky and didn't experience domestic violence in the sense he wouldn't hit me, our arguments were extremely volatile we shouted and screamed, he would break stuff. Nevertheless all abuse is abuse and some can lead to death. So I urge every man or woman to seek help if you experience these sort of behaviours. It is hard it took me 3 years to leave this guy, but once you do, only then do you start living life.