So I need to come clean, around the day 60 mark of being pull free (it should be day 85 now.)  I went through a stage of being overwhelmed with worry on a daily basis, to the point one day I was consumed by this worry and without even knowing it, sub-consciously I reached for my head and pulled out hair. I maybe pulled 10 hairs that night, the following day this occurred again the amount increased to maybe 50-100 hairs by the time I came to realise this I was in bed surround by clumps of fresh new short strands of thick glossy black hair and plagued with guilt.
This of course made me more stressed and since then sub consciously I've been pulling and I don't even know it. It's like my mind has been over ridden by this urge and found a way to fight back when my hair gets to a certain length.

I'm increasingly finding more white hairs, I am getting old but thats not it, I've pulled so much over the last 17 years, it's come to the point I've damaged the follicles and the hairs are now growing back grey. It started with just a couple, but the past day I found 6 grey hairs in one pulling session!!!!!!!!!!!! These were from new spots, I already know of a couple of spots other greys grew. What makes it worse is those white hairs are the holy grail of hairs to pull out, the amount of satisfaction removing them fills me with so much elation. Yes it sounds crazy and thats because it is. Pulling out hair enjoying the pleasure of it and yet despising yourself is crazy!!! Yet here I am 17 years later still doing it and with no signs of me actually stopping!!! It's a fucking paradox, I cant fix. No one can.
I literally can't tell you which day's I have pulled and haven't because it's all a blur, even I don't even know. I am not sure if I have had a pull free day since then.

I've just had this thought, life is on the upwards turn and yet I am stilling ripping out quite a lot of hair. I'm slowly going back to day 1 before shaving my head,  its not as scarce and the areas circumference is not as big as previously,  but its nothing to be happy about either it is still pretty bad how much damage I have done to myself,  it will get worse if I don't take action now.

I've just run to the bathroom and rubbed tons of oil on my head in hope this can save my scalp and help the new growth catch up and maybe even prevent me from touching those precious new strands.

Which got me thinking what am I doing to prevent this? So here I am charging up my Pavlok and reverting back to electrocuting myself to sanity again. Who says 21 days can create good habits? Because I went way past that and yet I am back here again, guilty of my own self-disfigurement and all I can think is, that bitch YouTuber is right, we will never be cured, we will forever live with this, we just have to find a way to handle it much better and to accept it. Should I accept it? I don't know. I have no answers, just many of my own questions.

So here I am hitting the reset button, I don't really want to shave again, I feel like I could make this work If I can integrate this Pavlok in too. It's worth a shot, if all else fails then its no longer hitting a reset button but a whole factory reboot and starting from baldness again. *sigh* I just want to be pretty.

So the weekend has been and gone, I must say its been rather stressful, I woke up at 6.30am Saturday morning to travel 3 and half hours to the airport to pick up my brother and dad, and meet my least favourite aunt to give her stuff my mum packed for her (which was a lot of stuff by the way). After faffing around trying to locate someone that had no wifi, but kept sending me text messages knowing full aware I had no credit on my phone to reply, it was agitating. We finally unpacked and gave her stuff and we took the 2 o clock bus back. We arrived in Gwangju at almost 6pm and we grabbed a cab to downtown looked around bought some food and walked for what felt like an eternity and waited for a bus back to Hwasun. I guess journeys feel longer when you are in a rush and/or tired and just wanna head home, eat and get comfortable, or in my case get ready to head out.

So as you can imagine I was extremely tired when I went back out and hadn't eaten properly all day from the hectic schedule so naturally I was knocking back alcohol because I was happy, but I also got drunk so quickly. I ended up feeling really tired and drunk for the whole night, which also meant only one thing, drunkness and tiredness is a disaster waiting to happen.

My boyfriend I headed home when the night was over, I was feeling rather emotional and crying a bit, him being the amazing person that he is, he gave me words of comfort and support I have not experienced from anyone before, no one has shown me kindness, understanding and immense amounts of support like he has.
He knows the right things to say and how to instantly make me feel better, usually I don't believe peoples words of support because they feel fake and not heartfelt. But not once has he ever done that, I don't know how he does it but he just naturally spoke to me in a way that I found was comfortable and easy to open with, I never felt ashamed, embarrassed or shy to talk about TTM, my hair, the fact I wear a wig with him (I really hate saying the word, I literally get embarrassed, but nope not once with him did I even cringe about it), it was an epiphany for me. I knew this guy loved me but to what extent can you love someone who suffers from several mental illnesses and feel like they are losing grasp with reality?  But I knew in that moment that when he said he loved me he meant it, this love ran deep it wasn't superficial and shallow, he genuinely wanted to do everything for me to be comfortable, happy and supported, even if that meant seeing me with no wig on. I have always felt too ashamed to shown anyone (except my family) my natural hair but the fact he loved me that much and wanted me to feel comfortable around him no matter what, that was the lightbulb moment for me.

I felt it within my soul this guy knows what he's got into and that hasn't scared him away, lost interest etc. I know everyone has their hangups on themselves, we are own critics after all, but this for me is life changing. I don't think I have loved anyone like I love this man. I know this is the guy I will spend my life with and possibly have kids with in the future.  I have so much respect and love for this man I would be a fool to let this guy go.

So I'm feeling a lot better than last week, feelings will not completely leave but right now I am on the uprise of positivity because he has helped me discover this new found strength within myself. I don't know what I did to deserve such a perfect person, but I am grateful he came into my life at the right time.

I've been following the 5 day course that is recommended to do whilst using the Pavlok and todays task was to write down the following answers to these questions: Pros of stopping the bad habit, Cons of stopping the bad habit, Pros of continuing the habit, Cons of Continuing the habit.

So last night my tear ducts went into over drive, I was consumed by negative thoughts and I was, lets be honest a huge mess.  I couldn't function properly and all I could  do was lie in bed like a pathetic human being and cry like a baby. Yeah just like a baby,  the flooding of tears and whiney-ness. I'm usually a silent crier but last night I had hit rock bottom, I let it all out for a good 40 minutes.  I have not been in that way for a long time, I cried so hard I could have easily cried through the night and I am pretty sure my neighbors could hear me. I didn't care about that I was so stuck in this moment of defeat, I was at loss with myself, I felt completely helpless and I just felt nothing but pure hatred for myself and  I was so upset because there is nothing I could do about it.

I'm just writing this post off the cuff right now, I don't know why, but I just need to vent somewhere. I'm hysterically crying which for me is rather odd, and I don't know if this is hormones or what. But I just took a test for BDD from an official website for OCD. I mean I kinda had an inkling from the onset of my TTM around 11, that I had an extreme dislike for myself and my appearance, I was never complimented at school I always felt ugly and fat and I was so much slimmer back then, I felt like shit anyways, no one made me feel good, the only thing that ever happened to me was the constant interrogation of my appearance, why this? why that? blah blah blah.

So I guess its no surprise when everyone arounds you confirms that you need to lose weight and when you lose the weight you are told "you don't suit being fat", "you look great since you lost weight" or "you lost so much weight but you should lose more so you can look like a model". Which is true, at the time though I still felt like I wasn't good enough, I look back now and would do ANYTHING to look like that again, I mean ANYTHING!!! Now I am just constantly reminded in the country of pure vanity that I am fat beyond belief, you try be friends with Korean girls and not feel self conscious about your appearance, when they are literally perfection. Or when all you hear from dudes how they only like Korean girls, you be around these sort of people long enough and you want to be them and fuck I wanna be them, they're the epitome of beauty, why would any dude have an interest in a fat western girl when you got slender, perfect skin, gorgeous hair, stunning faced Korean girls everywhere.