So I need to come clean, around the day 60 mark of being pull free (it should be day 85 now.)  I went through a stage of being overwhelmed with worry on a daily basis, to the point one day I was consumed by this worry and without even knowing it, sub-consciously I reached for my head and pulled out hair. I maybe pulled 10 hairs that night, the following day this occurred again the amount increased to maybe 50-100 hairs by the time I came to realise this I was in bed surround by clumps of fresh new short strands of thick glossy black hair and plagued with guilt.
This of course made me more stressed and since then sub consciously I've been pulling and I don't even know it. It's like my mind has been over ridden by this urge and found a way to fight back when my hair gets to a certain length.

I'm increasingly finding more white hairs, I am getting old but thats not it, I've pulled so much over the last 17 years, it's come to the point I've damaged the follicles and the hairs are now growing back grey. It started with just a couple, but the past day I found 6 grey hairs in one pulling session!!!!!!!!!!!! These were from new spots, I already know of a couple of spots other greys grew. What makes it worse is those white hairs are the holy grail of hairs to pull out, the amount of satisfaction removing them fills me with so much elation. Yes it sounds crazy and thats because it is. Pulling out hair enjoying the pleasure of it and yet despising yourself is crazy!!! Yet here I am 17 years later still doing it and with no signs of me actually stopping!!! It's a fucking paradox, I cant fix. No one can.
I literally can't tell you which day's I have pulled and haven't because it's all a blur, even I don't even know. I am not sure if I have had a pull free day since then.

I've just had this thought, life is on the upwards turn and yet I am stilling ripping out quite a lot of hair. I'm slowly going back to day 1 before shaving my head,  its not as scarce and the areas circumference is not as big as previously,  but its nothing to be happy about either it is still pretty bad how much damage I have done to myself,  it will get worse if I don't take action now.

I've just run to the bathroom and rubbed tons of oil on my head in hope this can save my scalp and help the new growth catch up and maybe even prevent me from touching those precious new strands.

Which got me thinking what am I doing to prevent this? So here I am charging up my Pavlok and reverting back to electrocuting myself to sanity again. Who says 21 days can create good habits? Because I went way past that and yet I am back here again, guilty of my own self-disfigurement and all I can think is, that bitch YouTuber is right, we will never be cured, we will forever live with this, we just have to find a way to handle it much better and to accept it. Should I accept it? I don't know. I have no answers, just many of my own questions.

So here I am hitting the reset button, I don't really want to shave again, I feel like I could make this work If I can integrate this Pavlok in too. It's worth a shot, if all else fails then its no longer hitting a reset button but a whole factory reboot and starting from baldness again. *sigh* I just want to be pretty.