So here I am, the next day, I'm not cured, I don't feel different, I'm just not as emotional today, my tear ducts have decided to take a rest, as well as my mind. But how I feel about myself hasn't changed, and will it? I don't think so. I still desperately want to change how I look, and goddammit if I had the cash I would be straight up to Seoul now getting Lipo and a breast augmentation. But I can't and I'm stuck this way, the only thing I can do that's remotely positive is to work out and try and stay consistent in my eating habits and exercise regimen. I feel I'm somewhat in control of my TTM right now too I haven't pulled despite the distressing  event last night. I'm really happy with how well my fight against TTM is going but for me it just seems to be one problem after the other, when one subsides the other heightens, its constant peaks and troughs with me and it's scares me. The degree of emotion I felt last night was extremely overpowering and I absolutely dread if this happens again because there's no saying what the degree of severity will be.

I haven't yet taken it upon myself to look further into BDD. I know everything there is to know about TTM because early on I knew about it and what I had and I've educated myself immensely on the subject I feel no Psychiatrist will tell me or help me in a way that I am not already aware of.

Going back to BDD I read recently it has the highest suicide rates even higher than clinical depression and bipolar which is extremely worrying. I can't recall the statistics but it was extremely high and this frightens me, whose to say next time I have an episode like that It goes too far and gets too much? Being in Korea makes it extremely difficult to deal with any mental health issue but when its also linked to your body, there's no way anyone here will take you seriously I am sure. That just makes me feel even more alone and helpless.

I'm going to end on a positive though, I'm doing great with TTM, my hair regrowth is looking good, my hair is looking less patchy and more fuller.

Peace.

Cherry x