and the crazy award goes to...
06:13I'm just writing this post off the cuff right now, I don't know why, but I just need to vent somewhere. I'm hysterically crying which for me is rather odd, and I don't know if this is hormones or what. But I just took a test for BDD from an official website for OCD. I mean I kinda had an inkling from the onset of my TTM around 11, that I had an extreme dislike for myself and my appearance, I was never complimented at school I always felt ugly and fat and I was so much slimmer back then, I felt like shit anyways, no one made me feel good, the only thing that ever happened to me was the constant interrogation of my appearance, why this? why that? blah blah blah.
So I guess its no surprise when everyone arounds you confirms that you need to lose weight and when you lose the weight you are told "you don't suit being fat", "you look great since you lost weight" or "you lost so much weight but you should lose more so you can look like a model". Which is true, at the time though I still felt like I wasn't good enough, I look back now and would do ANYTHING to look like that again, I mean ANYTHING!!! Now I am just constantly reminded in the country of pure vanity that I am fat beyond belief, you try be friends with Korean girls and not feel self conscious about your appearance, when they are literally perfection. Or when all you hear from dudes how they only like Korean girls, you be around these sort of people long enough and you want to be them and fuck I wanna be them, they're the epitome of beauty, why would any dude have an interest in a fat western girl when you got slender, perfect skin, gorgeous hair, stunning faced Korean girls everywhere.
It's a horrible feeling when you are consumed by your thoughts on your appearance, it doesn't end really, I am always thinking about my appearance. If I see someone attractive I hate myself ten times more. I just don't feel good enough as a human being, I don't feel mildly attractive ever, my hair never looks perfect, my body never looks how I want it to, and I feel so much worse when it comes to stuff I buy that I would hope would disguise some of my fatness but then accentuates it more and theres no hiding it. Lets be honest though nothing I wear can ever hide this crap. I have some piece of mind when I can hide most of it, I can accept it even though I know what its like really underneath and it will bug me anyways but I will feel some comfort knowing other people don't see it all on show.
I'm obsessed with the fitness lifestyle and anything to do with my appearance in hopes it will bring me happiness, I've realised this is why I have a shopping addiction, I hoard makeup, I own too many trainers and fitness equipment, I have a huge shoe and dress collection.
These are my ways of coping with my appearance hoping buying these things will bring me satisfaction in my appearance and actually make me feel beautiful and attractive. What makes it worse is, not only do I feel fat and ugly from my weight but I have a disorder that severely alters my appearance and its all self-inflicting. I do this shit to myself, whether its ripping out my hair, or binge eating or not exercising because I am lazy. But it doesn't stop me hating myself and getting depressed about it. Then I have anxiety to top this all off, so these thoughts are all bouncing around in my head like a huge cluster fuck and the thing is they all work together well to fuck me up big time. I.e. I pull out my hair thus making me ugly, therefore making me anxious which in turn makes me depressed and binge eat which then makes me feel shit about my weight that causes more anxiety and makes me rip out my hair. This just goes on and on and on, right now I feel like I'm at breaking point where I think this is it, its gonna happen, someone is going to have to admit me to a psych ward at some point because I'm not coping and I'm going to lose it eventually, I feel it's inevitable.
Results are below, although they can not confirm it as a diagnosis, its an indicator of signs of BDD, so pretty much it is saying its a highly likely chance I have BDD.
Thank you for completing our confidential online test for Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD).
Our test is not designed to provide a formal diagnosis, but it can help you get a better idea of whether or not you are exhibiting significant signs of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD).
The total number of items you checked determines your score for the test. You can see the specific items you checked at the bottom of this email. Results for the test fall into three categories, depending on how many items you checked:
* 1 to 3 test items checked: There is a low probability that you have BDD. You may be more concerned about your body image than most people, but it is unlikely that these concerns significantly impact your life.
* 4 to 7 test items checked: There is a medium probability that you have BDD. You likely experience a moderately high amount of distress related to your body, and likely spend more time than most people obsessing about, and checking, your appearance.
* More than 7 test items checked: There is a high probability that you have BDD. You most likely have a great amount of distress related to what you perceive to be a significant flaw with your body. It is likely you spend a considerable amount of time checking your appearance, attempting to change and/or camouflage your appearance, and avoiding situations in which you fear others might observe your perceived body flaw.
The best treatment for Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which has been found by research studies to be the most effective treatment for BDD.
The OCD Center of Los Angeles specializes in CBT for adults, adolescents and children experiencing OCD and related conditions, including Body Dysmorphic Disorder. We offer the following treatment options:
~ individual therapy
~ group therapy
~ intensive outpatient treatment
~ telephone therapy (ages 16 and older only)
~ online webcam-based therapy (ages 16 and older only)
Guess what I scored?? Take a look for yourself...
1 I excessively worry about my physical appearance : Yes
2 I often check my appearance in mirrors or other reflecting objects (i e , windows, car bumpers, spoons, etc) : Yes
5 I often use make-up or clothing (i e , hats, scarves, long sleeve shirts, long pants, etc ) to camouflage my perceived flaw : Yes
6 I frequently attempt to hide my perceived flaw by using my hands, by sitting in certain positions, or by staying in places where I believe the flaw will be less noticeable by others (i e , a dark corner in a theatre or restaurant) : Yes
7 I regularly scrutinize others' appearance for comparison : Yes
8 I sometimes discuss my perceived flaw with others, or ask others to verify my perceived flaw : Yes
9 I often seek reassurance from others about the appearance of my perceived flaw : Yes
10 I often touch, pick, and/or measure my perceived flaw : Yes
11 I diet and/or eat only specific foods related to my perceived flaw : on
17 I am planning or hoping to have cosmetic procedures to alter my perceived flaw in the future : Yes
18 I am often anxious or depressed thinking about my perceived flaw : Yes
20 I often believe others notice my perceived flaw and/or are thinking negative thoughts about my perceived flaw : Yes
21 I am significantly distressed about my perceived flaw : Yes
22 I often believe others are discussing or commenting on my perceived flaw : Yes
23 My concerns about my perceived flaw are interfering with my relationships and/or with my academic or professional functioning : Yes
25 I worry most about the following parts of my body:: Arms, , back, stomach, waist, hips
Thats right I scored 16!!!! That puts me in the highest group of the categories:
"* More than 7 test items checked: There is a high probability that you have BDD. You most likely have a great amount of distress related to what you perceive to be a significant flaw with your body. It is likely you spend a considerable amount of time checking your appearance, attempting to change and/or camouflage your appearance, and avoiding situations in which you fear others might observe your perceived body flaw."
I'm done ranting and I'm not particularly feeling positive, peaceful or loving right now. Just anger and hate and disgust at myself and the fact I am stuck in a body I don't want to be in.
This is me signing out. Bye.
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