Whilst you were hurting and I did not respond to your cries for help. I was frozen in a state of fear, I hurt you and I feared me doing anything else would have just made things worse. I was fighting with my thoughts and worries, but I was paralysed and felt helpless. But I did NOTHING! 

I could feel your pain, I feared you were going to hurt yourself and yet I did nothing. I know full well what it is like to be in that position, crying endlessly for hours, hoping for someone to embrace you, tell you everything will be ok and to help calm you down, but I didn't. I didn't try hard enough, I let you suffer on your own for hours. What sort of person let's another person suffer alone in your presence. A bad person. A heartless person. A selfish person.

Why this is affecting me so much you ask? I have a troubling past, abuse from an ex, which funnily enough didn't evoke those emotions because I didn't know better and thought abuse=love. No I am referring to the troubling years at home living with my mother and her husband. 

Most people knew it, I ran away from home at young age many times, weeks on end no contact with my family and guess what? No one reported me missing or even worried. Police have been called so many times to my house by my mothers spouse due to fabricated incidents. The last time the police was called, I ran away and 6 police cars came to my house, because he had reported I had stolen my mothers jewellery. (Theres a full back story to how that came about but it's not important or necessary to what this post is about.)

The main point of what I am saying is,  for a large part of my life I have been around vindictive, manipulative people, people who don't really care about me. Which meant, I would end up in physical and verbal fights with this man, (i'm not kidding this man punched me in the jaw before, and I punched him back). But the general jist is, he would fabricate some bullshit to piss me off, which would cause me to flip my lid and start an argument, it's really not hard to get on the wrong side of me, I will swear and insult him, this was no difference, some times I was so mad I would smash stuff and throw things, slam doors repeatedly. He would provoke me on a regular basis and make up lies, my mother the person who carried me for 9 months, my flesh and blood, the woman who is meant to protect me, would side with this man, she would even argue and protect him and always believe his bullshit. (Just some of the stuff he's fabricated: I had an abortion at 14 years old, I accused him of molesting me, made up stuff I supposedly said or did. He also did this to my brother, I saw him pick up my brother when he was younger and chuck him on a table.)

Do you know what it's like when someone you love who should support and care for you abandons your trust? Well I do, I would cry for hours, until all energy has left my body, eyes swollen, face puffy usually followed by headaches and aches through out my body (I would physically tense my body when angry.) I was so stressed it was physically taking a toll on me.  I was depressed, I would eat to try and cope. This happened so often, our neighbours complained all the time and hated our family. 

I would call my boyfriend at the time, crying down the phone, he would tell me to meet him but he never took my cries for help seriously, his family would get annoyed I went round their house, when I desperately needed comfort and help. Only when we broke up and I moved to Thailand did he tell me he realised how severe I was suffering at home. To put it in context he also told me he loved me (a year later), it's weird because his excuse he cheated and our relationship went to shit was because he didn't. (But, who cares? Am I right? Because I don't.) He was always full of shit and let's not pretend he or his family really cared about me or my wellbeing.

The problem when carrying your life's burdens is no one hears your cries of suffering, everyone calls you dramatic, brushes it off with "attention seeking". That's what happened to me, my boyfriend told his family all my secrets, everything, from TTM, to my home troubles. All they did was judge me and victim shame me for feeling that way. I was "weird" "boring" etc. That family have no empathy or remorse for other people, they just judge and insult other people and belittle them for anything they thought was weird or different.

So you can imagine when I graduated I had to leave home fast, I forgive my mum for the bullshit, she is my mum she is getting old, she's more sick all the time, I have to let that go because soon enough I will never see her again. I guess there was nothing she could really do, if she sided with me we would have been homeless.

The whole point is, I've felt that suffering, too often, this went on for years until the day I left for Korea. I needed help and the only escape at the time was my abusive asshole of an ex. But he didn't help me, I suffered alone and that made me deeply angry person inside, that's something I live with every day. I am angry, no one heard my cries for help, no one embraced me when I was choking on my tears. All I can feel is that pain from then and I'm plagued with this guilt from now, I am no better than any of those people. The thoughts that ran through my head whilst I cried myself to tiredness was I hate these people, if they loved me they would be here comforting me and not making me feel crazy and they wouldn't let me suffer like this (my family would literally tell me to shut up and leave he house and drive off.)

 I did the same thing, I hurt someone I genuinely love and care about. How do you live with that knowing full well what that suffering feels like?