So recently I have been researching new ways to tackle TTM. I fell off the wagon I was doing so well for 60 days (the longest I've gone in the past is about 3-4 months, but that was a lifetime ago now). I actually need to get back into a better routine, get my training back in gear, try hard not to over eat macros and to remember to charge and wear my Fitbit and Pavlov wristbands.

Pills I've tried or currently taking:

So the new pills I've decided to try are Probiotics with 30 billion CFU's. I am not sure what 30 billion CFU's does or what it means but it was suggested on a blog.  I read and heard from the TTM community about these and in particular a blog reporting the benefits of it. It's worth a shot. The blog can be found here. Give it a read it's interesting. I'll talk about my experiences further in the blog.

I've tried a supplement back home too a while ago, which was a form of Amino acid and what some body builders use apparently. This particular amino acid is called N-Acetyl Cysteine. I took this back in the day a bottle cost me a whopping £8. It costs more to order some online now in Korea though, however I am willing to buy some of them to take in conjunction with the rest of my supplements.

St. John's worts are supposed to be a natural way to treat depression and anxiety type mental illnesses (supposedly). I don't believe in taking SSRI's or anti-depressant's, just because I don't think it's safe messing with brain chemistry. Now I used to take these, sadly I can't take these anymore, as these interfere with the effectiveness of the contraceptive pill (as in, I can get pregnant on the pill.) It was what influenced me to come off the pill for a few years amongst other things associated with my weight and mood. So this is a no go for now. I can not comment on the effectiveness of these as it was a very long time ago I took these. I didn't take these for a long enough time to really give a verdict on these. But I would like to take these again one day.

Omega 3 capsules are what I use regardless of mental health or not, these are great, I feel less foggy, my attention and memory genuinely do improve If I take these for long enough. I feel they must contribute somehow to my mental health just because of the memory and alertness substantially improves. Fogginess and the fact I zone out a lot and easily distracted is a huge issue for me, so these really work for me. Plus all the other added benefits of fish oil.

Again not TTM related but living in Korea means increased risk of getting ill namely because working with kids, hygiene is not as highly regarded here, I think personally, not to mention the fact people even when contagious still go to work here. Another thing is the yellow dust, which causes me to cough etc. I feel germs can be easily spread in that way also.

Multi-vitamins, people claim you just pee them out but I feel like I should be taking them. I take this brand, because of the added greens which I think is important in maintaining health. These make me pee fluorescent yellow though. So be warned! Again, I don't know if they are effective I just feel I don't eat enough fruit and vegetables and want those added nutrients. I haven't noticed a correlation between these and hair pulling sadly.


Lastly, I used to take a lot of stacks aka bodybuilding supplements in forms of pills (L-carnitine, BCAA's) etc. Basically more Amino acid's. They are NOT steroids I just want to make that clear. They are supposed to aid in weight loss but I did not notice an increase in fat loss. It's best not waste your money on them personally. I took these specific ones due to reviews and the endorsement model. They again have no correlation with mental health in any way.



Pill's I want to try/ yet to try:

I've wanted to try Biotin for a while now after seeing those blue gummy hair vitamins advertised all over social media. I saw the ingredients and it contained biotin amongst other stuff. So I decided it's probably best just to buy biotin tablets at a cheaper price because they aren't endorsed by a Kardashian. Now this isn't associated with stopping the behaviour of pulling but aids in growing healthy hair fast, but as I find a mix of castor and coconut oil so effective in doing the same job and probably more useful in terms of restricting hair pulling, I am not in a rush to add it to my already high consumption of pills.




Probiotics do they work?
So here's the down low on my experience thus far, I received these pills on the 5th May, I started taking them on the day, I take just one pill a day, with a meal because I've only bought the 30 pack, so I didn't waste my money if they proved ineffective. A month seems sufficient enough to test these. The first 2 or 3 days I was pulling my hair way more than normal (when I am not stressed.) I was pulling like I was under extreme worry and stress, this is usually when I zone out and pull for hours and when I regain awareness 2 hours+ have passed and theres thousands of short strands in the perimeter of my bed. After those 2 manic days it calmed down and yesterday I was thinking, I don't have that urge but I do miss the sensation.

Now usually when I grasp a hair before even pulling it out usually the tension would start this intense tingling/itching sensation I am so addicted to. This time all I felt was the pain thats usually masked and overwhelmed by the tingling/itching sensation, it usually takes a back seat, becomes almost non-existent, even though we subconsciously know it's there it's not enough to affect the sensation or urge.
Well this was different, I reached and there was absence of that sensation of ecstasy all I felt was pain and I immediately stopped without hesitation, without second thought. I literally have this feeling in my chest that wants to pull, but no sensation in my head to want to. I just tested this, I have just pulled a hair out and the unpleasant sensation is not only more amplified but lingers after the hair is removed no tingly/itchy sensation I enjoy. The satisfaction is lacking, I mean we never are satisfied hence why we keep pulling out hairs, finding that holy grail hair, we may or may not find it, but it doesn't satisfy that craving. I'm going to continue and I'll come back to report again soon on these.

Have you ever felt a sense of regret? Have you ever felt racked with guilt, because you could have done more to help someone?

Well this is the first time, I've ever regretted a decision, I'm feeling sick to my stomach, I'm racked with guilt, I just want to cry endlessly and drown in my own tears. I've never felt so responsible for another person's wellbeing before to the point I feel like it's destroying me inside. What do you do when you hurt someone you are supposed to love?