So today I heard about a new thing in the Trich community, it's called the Pavlok. What's a Pavlok you ask? Cleverly named and inspired by the classical conditioning studies of Ivan Pavlov, someone has invented a wristband that beeps, vibrates and administers electric shock, when carrying out behaviours and habits. This wristband has specific algorithms and programming making it able to recognise your movements and behaviours. You just program it to stop behaviours you want to quit, this will do everything not just treat TTM, but also smoking, forcing yourself to wake up in the morning, making you exercise, making you quit eating junk, basically if you have a bad habit they claim you can program it to stop it. This is a rather hefty claim but they also give you 6 months to try it and if you aren't satisfied with it you are guaranteed a full refund.

Am I skeptical? Yes, so would most people if you are told something can magically cure you when you know until now there has been known cure to this condition, but in short, I am willing to try anything if it means I can stop myself pulling out my hair, so far progress is good I find I have reduced the amount of hair I pull and the frequency but for me this is not enough. Below is a video about it. It looks pretty darn cool, they clearly have done their research.

I literally just took a test online on Dermatillomania, this determines if you have it and how severe it is. Like I said in my last post, I wasn't even aware about it until today, I just took a test to make sure. It just confirmed what I said. (results below.)

 Well at least thats one thing I do not have to worry about being mild and not at all life altering or even at all dangerous to my health, but as it says below, it is recommended to monitor it. Lets hope this doesn't grow into something more severe, like the TTM. I would like to maintain some of my dignity and control in my life. -__-

 Today I found out I also have Dermatillomania or more commonly known as skin picking, a lot of TTM sufferers also suffer from Dermatillomania as they go hand in hand, so to speak, being BFRBs. I never really thought about it, I am aware of certain things I do but I didn't think it was a big deal or out of the ordinary. I also never educated myself on it, as I never thought it was something I had and I have never been diagnosed with it. I feel though this condition had developed way further in my life, when I was much older, possibly to the point it probably started in my late teens or something. I guess the skin picking is not as severe as the hair pulling, the hair pulling only results in negative outcomes and emotions, whilst skin picking never affected any aspect of my life.

But as you can see from the rest of my answers, it just validates everything I have said in past posts about this condition.

I just wanted to do a quick update, so thats all I got to say on it for now, will update with further information when I can.

So how's it going thus far?
Well as it's early days, this could just be the placebo effect but I feel the squeezing the bean toy using the same fingers I pull with relieved the urge to pull last night, so I didn't pull a single hair out before I went to sleep yesterday! That was the first time thats happened in a very long time, I can't even pinpoint a time where I didn't pull a hair out of my head before I went to sleep. I feel this is the peak time and really only time that I do this (evening/night).

However, I did wake up early and laid in bed for 30 minutes before work, it was a bad move because I had this urge overcome me to reach and pull, I gave in, this wasn't as disappointing as it sounds though, I pulled 4 single strands of hair from my head, thats next to nothing
compared to the hundreds I pull out in a session, in clumps, also some reason I only pull out regrowth and short/shorter strands of hair (most of the time). I feel like squeezing that bean toy has had a positive impact so far, I hope this isn't just the placebo effect like I said. It's still early days but I feel like I should celebrate every victory, I also have no urges to pull from my head tonight, but my head is trying to tempt me, I notice if I don't pull out hair my head starts itching in places almost as if it is intentionally trying to get me pull hair out, but the urge isn't strong if at all existent and I've been in bed since 7pm-ish and its now almost 1am, my hand has been running through my hair and was instantly aware and stopped with no issue, just before I wrote this blog it found some "crinkly" feeling hairs, there was one that particularly stood out, I grasped it and told myself it wouldn't be worth it and left it alone to write this post, usully the urge will still be there, badgering me to pull it out.

So I'm happy so far but so so tired, it's time to hit the hay, I have a weekend to spend with a particular man ;) Enjoy the weekend!

So today, after waiting what feels like forever, a small package arrived in my letter box and I knew exactly what was inside, also my Amazon package arrived, delivering me an item I will also be talking about on here. Lets start with the small package.

Fidget toys are something those who have any form of BFRB (Body Focused Repetitive Behaviour) such as Dermatillomania (skin picking), Trichotillomania (hair pulling) and Trychophagia (the consumption of hair) to name a few are recommended as a preventative measure or suggested management system, I wouldn't say it's a cure, even if we manage to stop we will still suffer from Trich for the rest of our lives, but we just focus on not carrying out the behaviours any longer.
It's there its never going to leave, I just have to find ways to ignore it or keep distracted from carrying out such destructive behaviours, which believe it or not is extremely difficult. Try fighting the urge to want to scratch an itch! It's comparable to that, and we all know if we don't scratch an itch it tends to get worse. It is also common for those with a BFRB to suffer from a combination of all of those disorders mentioned above as they are closely linked in behaviour, however, I solely pull out my hair, I guess I am somehow weirdly blessed if there is such a thing.

Anywho, I digress, I was recommended to try fidget toys from the Trich community, this actually wasn't something I tried as a method when I used to see my Psychiatrist. I heard about many different ways you can "fidget" if you will. I heard of spinner rings (rings that have a part usually in the middle that moves around whilst the rest of the ring is stationary) I still want to try this method but as of yet not got round to it, I may order one at the end of the month once the holiday period has ended. Stress balls are another one, I made some from flour and a balloon but such destructive behaviours, means they don't last long. Tangle toys are another one, I actually got one from a free stop smoking kit just because I wanted it for that, I don't know what happened to it, but it is a good aid for stopping smoking also and therapeutic in its own right. Anything that can be played with and fiddled with can be a fidget toy to be honest. I recently got this lucky Chinese hello kitty bracelet from my Chinese co-teacher, I started twiddling the bead along the twisted parts of string which is kinda fun. There's literally millions in all shapes and sizes its whatever works for you, which is what I am here to talk about.

I received this keychain/phone charm type toy and I saw this recommended on the BFRB website however the charges were extortionate and found them on eBay for much cheaper as they are from China so they aren't amazing quality therefore cost next to nothing. They come in a lot of different colours and I think for anyone its fun to play with, it wasn't purposely made for people with BFRB's it just happens to be something that can help some people keep their behaviours at bay. They're little edamame beans in a pod and you squeeze them and they just pop out, its rather addictive. I'll report back on the effectiveness and durability in a later post.


I also ordered a book which arrived today, which I intend to read and also report on this later. It's filled with information about my disorder and also is a self help guide. It's my substitute for my hardback by Dr. Penzel and will be nice to read up on this disorder from different people who maybe able to suggest stuff I have yet to try.

I'm still waiting on a fidget cube to arrive, again further details to come on this device, I am so excited to get this, I got one for my dad also as it is good for anxiety and ADHD.


To finalise my ramblings for today, I also want to say I put together myself from coloured paper and several pages of this chart from the BFRB website, I just put it together for myself in hope I can further understand this condition and find a way to live with it rather than it controlling and taking over everything in my life. The headings on the columns are as follows: When, Behaviour, Severity 1-10, Trigger?, Interventions Tried, Sensory, Body Sensations, Thoughts, Emotions and Place. There was an extra column for the life of me I can't remember the header but it was useless to me so I removed it.

Believe it or not I worry about this condition non stop on a daily especially when meeting new people, what are their perceptions of me, Do they know? Can they tell? Do they think I'm weird? Just general stress and anxiety in daily situations are keeping me in this vicious never ending circle of self-destruction which in turn makes me hate myself even more. It's time to change that thinking and hopefully this is the beginning of me turning around my life. I feel my life slowly piecing itself back together but the largest chunk thats missing is this aspect of me I am fighting.

Thanks to all my friends and family who've known already or just found out and been nothing but supportive to me and especially to my boyfriend the one person I was petrified of telling because of fear of judgment, I feel this condition destroys my level of attractiveness physically and mentally. To have this man by my side I am forever grateful but no one can understand to what extent, unless you have experienced this first hand for yourself, all you seek is acceptance and non judgment. It's hard enough being isolated from the social norm of what women deemed attractive should look like. No one can love me like he can, and no one has prior to this point in my life.

That's it from me. Xmas is nearing! Let's all stay happy and positive during the festive season.

So recently,  I feel my Trich has become a lot more severe, I don't know what the influencing factors are but I feel this may be due to stress and worry recently  with my cat. I'm rather upset and angry with myself because I've actually pulled so much out from the area I usually pull from minimally because my  primary pull location is usually the top of my head and where the most damage is usually. But whatever it may be I have now created a new big empty space on one side of  my head where hair used to exist and it's frustrating all at the same time. I literally don't know how to fight this, I'm literally in a losing battle, the battle of losing my hair, which I am inflicting myself but I just can't fight the urges.

I'm literally freaking out, is this condition getting worse as I age? or is this because of heightened emotional distress? I've ordered that book off Amazon and I'm ordering a fidget cube, until then I need to start documenting these events when they occur, so I can find the underlying issue and try to prepare for it or avoid it. I also must continue hypnotherapy and try and manage a timetable for myself  of what I do when I go home, so I can not find a  reason to pull, I need to keep busy, I need to get my life together.

Here I am with another post, this time its talking about the causes of Trich in general but also what triggers my urges to pull and some possible explanations on why I do.

First off how does one go about pulling out their hair in the first place?
Well, the causes of Trichotillomania can be one of many, a traumatic event, underlying issues with the chemical balance in the brain, history of Trich or other mental health disorders and of course suffering from an existing mental illness.

I am not an expert but I believe what started the pulling was my parents divorce, which is strange because I was never bothered by it not traumatically anyways, I was a little upset and got over it, but it's the only explanation that I can pinpoint at that age, I was 9 years old what could possibly drive me to want to tear out hair from the back of my head?

The condition went dormant for 2 years, then at 11 I started high school, back then I was extremely sensitive, shy and thought the world was full of rainbows and butterflies. That soon changed I went to a girls school in South East London, probably one of the worst schools possible, I won't name the school but it was rough as you can get, girls having fist fights every week, the girls were hostile and defensive. I was also not used to experiencing verbal abuse and negative behaviours towards me, I was bullied and I think this was what triggered me to start pulling again at 11 years old. I do not believe this is the sole cause, I believe it's a mix of these things, now
I am not sure if my anxiety is a result of Trich or if I have Trich because I am anxious, either way this is also part of the issue, although I feel anxiety is something I have inherited, my brother also displays signs of anxiety and my dad has been diagnosed with anxiety.

Now I don't know if other traumatising events in my timeline after high school  also contributed to my condition, and whether this is the reason I am still pulling, I myself, don't know what the cause is but I will talk about in the next paragraph what are my triggers. I feel like I am an extremely sensitive person, though, I do try hide it nowadays, things do affect me emotionally on a deep level and I do believe this contributes to my Trich.

So what makes me start pulling? These are usually typical of most Trichsters, they tend to pull for a few reasons:

• Boredom- Usually if I'm bored this one occurs subconsciously, my hands tend to automatically reach for the pull site(s) and we are not aware immediately, it's like a reflex, this occurs when we are in a relaxed state (watching tv etc.) or tired (lying in bed), this seems to be when I pull my hair out, when I am relaxed in bed on my laptop.

• Stressed/Upset- I tend to worry a lot and get stressed from my job a lot, also if I am emotionally charged because something bad happened to me then I tend to pull. 

• This one isn't really mentioned anywhere but a lot of Trichsters including myself, are addicted to the sensation, it offers a release the feeling of its removal the sensation between your fingers because the hair is coarse and thick thats our drug, we are addicted to that sensation. We usually search through our hair either for a hair that looks different and/or feels different. I'm guilty of the latter but if I look in the mirror sometimes way too long and I notice a white hair or a hair thats different from the rest then you bet I'll be there pulling it out and it never stops at one, once you get that sensation you craved, your hands go looking for more and seconds turn to hours. The worst part is usually once we found the hair we have our own procedure what we do with it next and usually once I found it I inspect the root, pull it off the hair and discard of them. So you can imagine how pointless this sounds, hours spent on searching for hairs you gain satisfaction from only for a split second. I know other Trichsters may put the root on their lips because they like the wet, cold sensation of it. Hair being near or in my mouth actually disgusts me, even finding hair in food is enough to repulse me and ruin my appetite. 

So what is the point to all the hair pulling you ask?
The goal is usually to pull out the roots because they produce an unspeakable sensation and I believe when this happens we are releasing endorphins at the same time, it literally feels like a high. The ultimate hair would be a thick coarse hair with a big root when removed can be experienced for longer and the longer and coarser the root is the sensation heightens further. The sensation is addictive and every hair is different, even once we found the hair, we are never satisfied, we continue to search for more to produce the same intense sensation. Even as I wrote that, I was getting unexplicable feelings to want to pull, something inside me as I sit as my desk at work and read that back is producing an urge in me, my heart is even palpitating, but I never act on these in public only when I am alone relaxed in bed/sofa lying down.


I genuinely believe pulling your hair out is comparable to being addicted to heroin, you continue to repeat the same behaviours in order to produce the same sensation over and over just to experience the
release.


That's just my two cents on the causes and triggers of Trich.