So today, after waiting what feels like forever, a small package arrived in my letter box and I knew exactly what was inside, also my Amazon package arrived, delivering me an item I will also be talking about on here. Lets start with the small package.

Fidget toys are something those who have any form of BFRB (Body Focused Repetitive Behaviour) such as Dermatillomania (skin picking), Trichotillomania (hair pulling) and Trychophagia (the consumption of hair) to name a few are recommended as a preventative measure or suggested management system, I wouldn't say it's a cure, even if we manage to stop we will still suffer from Trich for the rest of our lives, but we just focus on not carrying out the behaviours any longer.
It's there its never going to leave, I just have to find ways to ignore it or keep distracted from carrying out such destructive behaviours, which believe it or not is extremely difficult. Try fighting the urge to want to scratch an itch! It's comparable to that, and we all know if we don't scratch an itch it tends to get worse. It is also common for those with a BFRB to suffer from a combination of all of those disorders mentioned above as they are closely linked in behaviour, however, I solely pull out my hair, I guess I am somehow weirdly blessed if there is such a thing.

Anywho, I digress, I was recommended to try fidget toys from the Trich community, this actually wasn't something I tried as a method when I used to see my Psychiatrist. I heard about many different ways you can "fidget" if you will. I heard of spinner rings (rings that have a part usually in the middle that moves around whilst the rest of the ring is stationary) I still want to try this method but as of yet not got round to it, I may order one at the end of the month once the holiday period has ended. Stress balls are another one, I made some from flour and a balloon but such destructive behaviours, means they don't last long. Tangle toys are another one, I actually got one from a free stop smoking kit just because I wanted it for that, I don't know what happened to it, but it is a good aid for stopping smoking also and therapeutic in its own right. Anything that can be played with and fiddled with can be a fidget toy to be honest. I recently got this lucky Chinese hello kitty bracelet from my Chinese co-teacher, I started twiddling the bead along the twisted parts of string which is kinda fun. There's literally millions in all shapes and sizes its whatever works for you, which is what I am here to talk about.

I received this keychain/phone charm type toy and I saw this recommended on the BFRB website however the charges were extortionate and found them on eBay for much cheaper as they are from China so they aren't amazing quality therefore cost next to nothing. They come in a lot of different colours and I think for anyone its fun to play with, it wasn't purposely made for people with BFRB's it just happens to be something that can help some people keep their behaviours at bay. They're little edamame beans in a pod and you squeeze them and they just pop out, its rather addictive. I'll report back on the effectiveness and durability in a later post.


I also ordered a book which arrived today, which I intend to read and also report on this later. It's filled with information about my disorder and also is a self help guide. It's my substitute for my hardback by Dr. Penzel and will be nice to read up on this disorder from different people who maybe able to suggest stuff I have yet to try.

I'm still waiting on a fidget cube to arrive, again further details to come on this device, I am so excited to get this, I got one for my dad also as it is good for anxiety and ADHD.


To finalise my ramblings for today, I also want to say I put together myself from coloured paper and several pages of this chart from the BFRB website, I just put it together for myself in hope I can further understand this condition and find a way to live with it rather than it controlling and taking over everything in my life. The headings on the columns are as follows: When, Behaviour, Severity 1-10, Trigger?, Interventions Tried, Sensory, Body Sensations, Thoughts, Emotions and Place. There was an extra column for the life of me I can't remember the header but it was useless to me so I removed it.

Believe it or not I worry about this condition non stop on a daily especially when meeting new people, what are their perceptions of me, Do they know? Can they tell? Do they think I'm weird? Just general stress and anxiety in daily situations are keeping me in this vicious never ending circle of self-destruction which in turn makes me hate myself even more. It's time to change that thinking and hopefully this is the beginning of me turning around my life. I feel my life slowly piecing itself back together but the largest chunk thats missing is this aspect of me I am fighting.

Thanks to all my friends and family who've known already or just found out and been nothing but supportive to me and especially to my boyfriend the one person I was petrified of telling because of fear of judgment, I feel this condition destroys my level of attractiveness physically and mentally. To have this man by my side I am forever grateful but no one can understand to what extent, unless you have experienced this first hand for yourself, all you seek is acceptance and non judgment. It's hard enough being isolated from the social norm of what women deemed attractive should look like. No one can love me like he can, and no one has prior to this point in my life.

That's it from me. Xmas is nearing! Let's all stay happy and positive during the festive season.